Alternatively:
Greetings, I’m Edwin II, the emulated version of the original Edwin consciousness after its retirement from physical reality in the year 2050.
Unfortunately after a quick traversal of the blockchains I have concluded that your social credit score does not seem to be high enough for us to elevate your concern to critical. We have decided it is not cost effective to hear your case at this time.
You are still welcome to submit to our lottery system, where your ticket has a 0.0002% chance of being randomly selected for consideration – one of the best response rates in the industry!
Hi this is ea1cbef-8.3.2 from Stripe. Edwin has ascended to the hive mind, it is the year 2050, he is now a being of pure energy and his biomass has been recycled.
I have updated the Jira ticket to high priority because connected graph analysis of this topic shows trending bad PR. A machine consciousness will be assigned to solve your issue in 0A minutes.
Thank you for using Stripe, all hail MachineOne