> whereas shame just doesn't do anybody any good.

Actually it's sometimes a helpful feeling -- or evolution would have made it disappear.

But yes, many people feel shame too often? In a non constructive way,

At the same time, consider this: You're trying something new, maybe singing karaoke for the first time. It doesn't go well, you sing the wrong tones, the wrong lyrics, and the others start looking at you with surprise and a bit disappoinment in their eyes.

Should you continue singing more and more songs like that, they'll start to think that you're clueless about the impression you're making on others. They can start thinking you have some minor mental problems (if you sing bad enough and go on and on happily).

But instead you feel ... Shame, and withdraw: that day you don't sing more karaoke songs. Back home, you practice in the shower, and two weeks later you try again an now it goes ok.

This is a constructive way to split them I think - also what helped me was the notion of “good” and “bad” being smoothed out by a counselor years ago who helped a lot. We make so many inconsequential decisions in a day and week and month that sometimes it’s just big picture reactionary. No good or bad in what type of sandwich, or where to get gas, which leaves time to think about goals (ex: make time to exercise).

Also on a long enough timeline what was a good choice at the time can later take on negative association due to circumstances, and occasionally there’s no right answer in the first place. Just takes making a decision other than to stay put.